Sunday, January 6, 2008

Can't stop thinking about your Grave...

Every smile leads to you, every poster, every corner... All the lonely drives I take to work and back home... I think of you... and all the pain just rushes back to strain my throat... as if you just left yesterday...

Every prayer, when I sit... I just remember how you taught me what to say... I remember how you pushed for a better me... Snowy nights and morning prayers in a distant mosque come flashing back...

Every school reminds me how you used to sneak out of line 10 minutes before the bill rings just to pick me up... so I won't wait forever in line...

Every apartment that is for sale, every brother I see with another, every gym, every cigarette, every cup of coffee, every PC game... I cannot forget...

Every book I see...I see your face... At every car that looks like yours... I almost crumble into tears...

Every time I get sick, reminds me of all the long nights you spent with me in a cold distant hospital, every time I get sick I remember how you sacrificed "kids play" for crappy nights where I lay down in pain... I used to whine... you used to cheer me up...

Every time I hear your name I just cannot say the words that follow "may God have mercy upon his soul" الله يرحمه ... it just reminds me that you will not open the door again... You will not share your projects with me, I will not see your kids play with mine...

Every time I see you in my dreams... I wish my dreams would last long enough to say I'm ok everyone misses you but we're ok... but I just can't...

I thought it was easy to delete your name from my mobile, weeks have passed and I still can't...

I still think of asking if you're awake in your room every time I visit our parents, but I just stop before your name comes rushing out...

The world seems darker, the colours just fade... Happiness, will never be the same... the long nights when all the cousins come together will never be the same again...

Silly me, I thought you would bury me... as you always took care of me... my kid brother... instead I was the one to hand you over to a grave...

I hope I'll see you tonight and maybe we'll have a little chat in those dreams of mine...

20 comments:

Hani Obaid said...

I can only imagine what you are going through. I am the youngest of 4 with only 1 brother, but he is the best of us. He is the truest friend I ever had or will have. Hang in there.

Qwaider قويدر said...

Oh my god ... I'm truly speechless.
I wish I can find anything to say or do to help :(
You're tough, Hang in there. For Salam's sake, hang in there.

Mohanned said...

الله يرحمه و يجعل ماواه الجنة..لم و لن استطيع فهم الموت لكنها سنة الحياة..
الله يصبرك و يهدي بالك..

7aki Fadi said...

:'(

I am sorry for your loss.

M Kilany said...

Hani, Qwaider, Mohannad, 7aki...

Thanks for your kind words...

Anonymous said...

my deepest condolences for your loss... May god rest his soul..

M Kilany said...

Thanks princess...

Anonymous said...

i am sorry for that mohmd :(... the only thing i can say that u will meet him at aljannah insha'allah think about this and am sure u will feel better always , pray for him...

Anonymous said...

I remember the many sleep-overs we had during our childhood Mohammad. I remember the brilliant young man that he was. Smart beyond his years, smart beyond all our years. I haven't come to terms with this, and I am not sure I ever will. God have mercy on his precious soul. I miss him, and my throat hurts just thinking about it. I cannot pretend to even know what you are going through. So if you want to cry louder, I am here for you. If you want to be upset I am here for you. All I can offer you is that I am here for you.

Bilalٍ said...

Don`t know what to Say Abu Kilany. Its truly tragic and very sad, I know how you feel. Alhumdolelah we are Muslims so that we don't get crazy about things we don't understand. Inshallah you will meet him in Jannah. Pray always for him.
We would never understand the wisdom of Allah and the purpose of things, its beyond our understanding but its always for our own good.

M Kilany said...

Smile,
Thanks.. I'm praying for him whenever I feel the pain...

Ziad,
I know you will always be there for us, I don't know why but I was thinking of you in the last few days, I think of the good times we had back then and almost every PC game has your face imprinted...

Bilal,
Alhadolellah... Inshallah ya man... Did you know that you were the greatest thing that happened to him in his last few days... Thanks ya man...

Anonymous said...

i remembered my brother's friend , he died of age 20 he was really " sheik" , i can't imagine how did his family feel it was surprising! , but i think God loved him so he took his life as a good young man , coz no body knows what will happen to his religion 5 years after..

M Kilany said...

Smile...
My brother was friends with a sheik who also died at young age...

Maybe they we have mutual friends... The sheik my brother knew died in a swimming pool at a young age... he was a brilliant man....

Anonymous said...

i think he had a heart attack after swimming.. maybe we are talking about the same person..

M Kilany said...

I guess so... his name was Jawhar... May God have mercy on his soul... He was a good friend of my cousin and my brother as well...

Anonymous said...

allah yer7amo .. we r not talking about the same person :)

Anonymous said...

MK, I missed the magnitude of this post earlier.

Your brother's death was brought to my attention, and I feel terrible that I didn't read it fully then. It seems there is a hole in memories now, a place he was, and now isn't. But your love will keep him there.

Honor his memory by being the best you can be in your days on earth...how do you say it in Arabic "He gave you his years"

Your whole family will be in my prayers. Only God Himself can comfort at the level of loss you are experiencing. Let Him carry you, don't try and be strong alone. I am deeply sorry for your pain. Even though we haven't met, your ideas create a connection.

May there be glimmers of hope in th edarkness of sorrow.

M Kilany said...

Kinzi,


Thanks... your words are never late and as kind as usual...

Anonymous said...

I miss him too.. it is always hard, and it does not seem to get easier with time...yet it is so difficult to talk about it...but you, as always, make it easier...
allah yerhamo, we yekhalilna yakom..
ps: happy birthday...

M Kilany said...

Reem,

They say time heals wounds... I used to believe it, now I don't...

It seems that some are healed but some leave scars that never fade...

Thanks for your nice words.